Suicide After a Battle to Stay Alive

I am vastly experienced with suicide, professionally over two extremely different mental health positions coming up on a decade, and personally for thirty years. It is NOT an easy way out for people. It is NOT something a person wishes to do. It is NOT selfish. It is something a person will fight against for as long as they can. This, in my professional experience in a homeless hostel, is true with a person who does not have any family or close friends fighting this battle alongside them, and is also true with a person who has family beside them fighting with all their might to help in each and every way possible.


(Free image from Pixabay)

This week a young man I know very well died through suicide. He was an extremely creative and talented young man. He has a warm, loving and caring family that helped him in every way possible. He has friends who cared and helped in any way possible. He fought with all his might an exceedingly bloody battle, for each and every way he could survive. He had everything, and everyone in place that could possibly help. He did not want to die. He died this week.

I have personally known young men with close friends and family who have died through suicide. If you had asked them on the day they died, if they did they want to die, I think they would have said no. Mental health is a serious issue. Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, and many other ‘mental health conditions’, have their roots in something much larger. These roots can go into every fibre of a persons cognitive abilities. Counselling and any professional mental health is beneficial to the person who is struggling with suicidal thoughts.

It is imperative that you ask if a person has any suicidal ideation, or put simply, if they have planned how they would wish to die. If the person you care about answers with a plan, then it is necessity they get immediate psychological help. Some other signs of suicidal thoughts may be giving things away, or no longer interested in anything in the future, or any other number of things. I have included an information picture below. However some people may not have a plan, and it may be a spur of the moment end of their life on earth. This is very much harder, maybe impossible to predict. The information in the picture below shows some of the warning signs of suicidal thoughts.

suicide beyond blue

(Picture from )
The young man I mentioned earlier was known to be having suicidal thoughts at times, although at the time of his death, he was steadily improving and much more vocal and hopeful regarding the future. This would indicate that he was ‘coming out of the woods’ usually. However things changed dramatically… with no warnings. Another lady was talking to a family member, and with no warnings whatsoever she had died through suicide within 30 minutes.

Chester Bennington from the excellent band Linkin Park, died recently through suicide, from his own mental health struggles. His brave wife has since released videos and pictures from the days leading up to his death, where most people looking at these would never expect him to be feeling suicidal. He had money, fame, talents, and a loving family and friends, everything we aspire to having in life, however at a fateful moment in time he died. This highlights that sometimes a person we love and is loved and cared for by many people, lose the battle in their minds and bodies to survive.

This leaves us with the many questions of why, and the exceedingly painful thoughts of what if I could have…. These thoughts and questions are inevitable, but with many people I know personally who have died through suicide there is nothing more could have been done. They are loved by many, cared for by many, and given everything possible to help, but still die.

I am a mental health professional, so you may think: Do I get used to people dying whether through suicide or physical illness? Do I get used to the struggles people are going through? Do I just let something as serious as precious people’s mental health just brush past? NO! I feel everything deeply. Having a soft heart in a cruel world takes courage, and is not a weakness, it is the fuel in my career. I am a biker and I may appear to be tough to people who do not know me. However with many people I walk their journey alongside them with empathy, trying to see their journey through their eyes. I see precious souls frequently who are still here on earth because, partly, of the help and support I was able to offer them, professionally or personally. Am I a hero? Maybe to them, but I think im just using the gifts I have to help people. I think of them being my heroes, to have the privilege to sit with someone who is battling so many ‘demons’, and see them fight bloody battles of mind, body and soul, and win so many times, even when they have nearly lost all hope.

I hope my stumbling words here may inspire someone to stay alive on earth, and help some family and friends to see they have done all they could. Suicide needs to be talked about everywhere as it is everywhere. If you are in a room with a lot of people in it, how many do you think are struggling with thoughts of suicide… It would surprise you. My words here are far from perfect, but neither is life.


The Weight of Grief 

The Weight of Grief 

​The WEIGHT of grief is not talked about much. The thoughts, feelings, emotions are known and expected. Some moments you may be fine, then just overcome with grief. It is like waves… However the weight of grief can be overwhelming. Getting out of bed. Getting up from a chair to get a drink. Going to lift something off the floor and ending up just sitting on the floor beside it wondering why you cannot get up. 

Do not underestimate the weight of grief. It will ease in time, your time, however long you need.

“Rising Cairn” a 4,000 lb stone sculpture is the work of artist Celeste Roberge. Roberge says that she didn’t necessarily intend to depict anguish in the piece but doesn’t mind the alternative reading of her work. “I imagine her in the process of rising up from her crouching position…when she is ready,” she explains. “I am not disturbed by individual interpretations of the sculpture because I think it is really wonderful for people to connect with works of art in whatever way is meaningful to them.”

Why White Feathers Or The Moon?

For some it may be white feathers that turn up in strange places. For others it is a link to the moon. For me; I love the moon shining bright in the sky, it is usually a calm peaceful night when you can see the moon. This is part of the attraction for me.

If you haven’t read the most painful words I will ever write; you can read them here: An Angel Made Me a Daddy

I am writing about the loss of someone close, someone who is still a part of our lives; they are just not in this world anymore. I know some people who  treasure each white feather they see, when it turns up unexpected, and just at the right time when they needed some comfort, and a reminder of their Angel in Heaven. It is a very special, personal, spiritual experience. They think of a little baby that has sent down one of their Angel wings feathers, to remind them that they are with them in Spirit.

My connection is the moon. I know my baby is not there. My Angel baby has wings in Heaven. The moon however has such a special connection since my 1st child went to Heaven. The link is that I cannot SEE Heaven from here. I feel Heaven, have supernatural experiences, and Believe in Jesus; But it is the connection with the moon shining down that connects my thoughts to my little Baby, whom I talk to, love and miss everyday. I talk to my children here about their Angel in Heaven.
I have previously worked many nightshifts in a dangerous place; But if I passed a window and realised for the 1st time that night the moon was shining; I stopped no matter what was happening, which could have been fights by men addicted to many substances and alcohol. I collected my thoughts, and said a Prayer to Heaven with my little Baby while staring at the moon. I was never once interrupted no matter what was going on around me. A supernatural moment Heaven didn’t allow to be interrupted between a daddy and his Baby Angel.

I have had some nights where I just need to go out walking in the moonlight to clear my head. I will at some point just stop, and using mindfulness, stare at the moon, what shape it is, what colours there is, the clouds drifting slowly past making their own story. In reality, I’m not interested in the moon at this time. It is my soul connecting to Heaven, and I just need to keep a clear mind and let it connect. A very spiritual experience. I never take this for granted and it is very grounding. I am just A loving daddy kissing my Angel in Heaven. X

Sometimes I would love to know what my Baby would have become? Married? Loved to do? Loved to watch? Loved motorcycles like me? Loved reading like me? Been more like Mummy? So many questions with no answers, but then my baby went to Heaven so no pain in this world. I also do have this very special, supernatural connection which is so very precious and personal to me. I use the moon to settle my mind, but my connection is not the moon, or white feathers.

I know some of you do not believe in Heaven, which is your choice, but I do, and that is the only reason I include my spiritual views as it is intertwined in my DNA, especially with my 1st Baby. I am very interested in everyones viewpoint. I am non-judgemental by nature and by profession. I would like you to comment with your connection to someone you have lost that was and still is very much connected to you. Do you do anything at Christmas to remember them? I will have a family moment to think about our Angel at this special time. Our children here have a special connection which I love and cherish.

I do not know who composed these comforting words. If you know please do notify me.

This blog was never started to be my view only; I am a private introvert. I feel my words may help someone, even 1 person, and that is the only reason I write here. If anyone has a blog they would like me to read regarding their Angel Baby I would love to read it so comment with a link to it. I will also say though if anyone comments anything rude or nasty, I will respond, as this is a very personal experience for everyone concerned. I respect everyones views. Please do post your thoughts below here.