The Weight of Grief 

The Weight of Grief 

​The WEIGHT of grief is not talked about much. The thoughts, feelings, emotions are known and expected. Some moments you may be fine, then just overcome with grief. It is like waves… However the weight of grief can be overwhelming. Getting out of bed. Getting up from a chair to get a drink. Going to lift something off the floor and ending up just sitting on the floor beside it wondering why you cannot get up. 

Do not underestimate the weight of grief. It will ease in time, your time, however long you need.

Stephen.  
“Rising Cairn” a 4,000 lb stone sculpture is the work of artist Celeste Roberge. Roberge says that she didn’t necessarily intend to depict anguish in the piece but doesn’t mind the alternative reading of her work. “I imagine her in the process of rising up from her crouching position…when she is ready,” she explains. “I am not disturbed by individual interpretations of the sculpture because I think it is really wonderful for people to connect with works of art in whatever way is meaningful to them.”

www.inspiredcounsellingservices.co.uk

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Courage And Strength To Face The Demons!

These words are from one of my current clients. Be respectful. My client has kindly given me permission to share them. They are from a very deep part. This client has shown amazing strength and courage to face the demons of the past head on. I work in a psychodynamic way which looks into how the past has shaped today, helping to make the unconscious, conscious. This client is now looking at the future with possibilities, instead of being ruled by the past.

“Today, I gently opened my eyes from the darkness,
How do I feel? I’m further back from the abyss,
I’m not gasping for air, i’m not drowning inside,
My mind is at peace, I smile, my tears all cried.

I’ve been through the battles, drugs, sex, bars.
Abused, hurt, ashamed, lost. They all left their scars.
Dragged about my burdens, crushing me slowly,
Guilt ridden, confused but most of all lonely.

One night it came. The voice said ‘just a cut’.
It was all the sign I needed to try to escape the rut.
I’d no other way out though, I was spiralling down,
Somebody? ANYBODY! SAVE ME! I can’t turn this around!

It was too much, I was so heavy, so tired,
I needed help, what I found was Inspired.
I told him my story, my secrets all unlocked,
I wasn’t judged or pitied, he wasn’t even shocked.

All of the troubles, all the feelings slowly teased out
Of the mess in my mind, I constantly tossed about.
I had no expectation, no goal to achieve,
But, I AM a good person deep down I believe.

The road ahead isn’t easy. He understands, he knows.
He walks by your side at your lowest of lows.
Guiding and helping you to deal with your past.
finding a way to forgive it and let it go, at last.

To become who you are, you need to know where you have been.
Make peace with it, lessons learned – it wasn’t a dream.
The main thing is YOU, who do you want to become?
Face everything and rise? or forget everything and run?”

Words From An Inspired Counselling Services Client.

Thank you to all my clients who allow me to go on a journey with them to some very dark places, allowing me with empathy and no judgements, to guide them towards the light again. If you feel led, leave a comment as my client will be following this post.

Stephen.

Can Broken Love Be Strong Enough?

Can Broken Love Be Strong Enough?

Can broken love be strong enough?
This is a question with no ‘correct’ answer. It could depend on: circumstances, both people, dependants, finances, past experiences, support network, trust, Spiritual Faith, guilt, shame, mental health, etc.

The tension of our lives are in this picture. We all have a heart, all nations, cultures, colours and religions. How do you listen to your heart? What happens when a negative event occurs in your life? When you get the thoughts that you are worthless, useless, or whats the point in trying, when your shoulders droop and your head goes down. Do you allow your negative experiences to crush you or make you stronger? I decide when that happens to use the negativity as fuel to motivate me and push me on. The thoughts come to all of us, but it is how we listen and use them that is the key. I get negative thoughts and  that is my key to use them for motivation and realise my body sensations at that time, e.g shoulders drooped, head down, and know it is time for positive thinking, using all that negativity as the fuel.

How do you cope in that tension? How do I? The learning is in the tension. The growth is in the tension. It is part of life, and it is a choice we need to make. So many people have given up and just stay in that negative thinking, with so many somatic symptoms (feelings in the body, e.g. sore head, shoulders, neck, joints, sick stomach etc.) which may be coming from their negative thinking. The tension is hard to negotiate, but would you rather be stuck in a negative cycle? The tension in your heart, like in the picture above, has many issues to negotiate in everyday life, but it can be healthy, and work with your mind to keep you happy and in control. Enjoy the tension.
Stephen.

Confessions Of A Married Man In Love With Another Lady

Confessions Of A Married Man In Love With Another Lady

I am feeling very honest and reflective tonight so I want to write this as a form of confession. This blog is written from a very deep and honest Soul. My Bride will read this at some stage I suspect, so I will confess my sins to her also.  I have been happily married for over 15 years, but I am truly, madly, deeply, in love and lust with another woman. I suspect my Bride may have suspicions as she has seen me with a faraway look in my eyes before I have disappeared for hours at a time, sometimes until very late at night. She has probably noticed the ‘other woman’ is never around during these times also…

The other lady is a gorgeous fiery red from Italy. The ‘Big Lady’ is an Aprilia Falco V-Twin 1000cc Motorcycle. 😀 I am in love with motorbikes in general but the bike I fondly nickname ‘Big Lady’ has stolen my heart. I love the insane amount of power, the low down torque of an Italian V-Twin, and the booming noise. I love the curves and that it wants to wheelie  everywhere. I love that it keeps wanting me to go quicker, harder, further and still offers so much more.

I will fill you in a little on a bikers life. A bike needs to click with its owner if you are going to ride it fast and hard. My last bike wanted to throw me off frequently, and I over rode it, backing it into corners and thrashing it as fast as it would go. I did not respect it.  This may seem crazy talking about a bike as if it is alive; but have you ever sat on a bike while pushing to find its limits? You need to know the bike has your back and trust it. The ‘Big Lady’ does that every time as I have had some close calls, and this big red Italian lady has brought me home each time!

My bride likes bikes but also knows the dangers. She still told me sometimes to strap my helmet on and just go for a ride, as I was stressed and irritable. Husbands will read this as ‘just go away and give my head peace for a while’. I always came back in a completely different mindset. I was completely de-stressed and at peace with myself again. This is due to a mixture of therapies. Motorcycle therapy is the best therapy invented. Strap a helmet on and just ride that steel horse wherever the sun is shining with no set agenda, or time limit, just remember to fill up the tank  regularly and ride. I have ridden so far at times I have to slide off and lay down beside it on the road, and just stretch my back and butt back out. You bikers have all been there, getting the funny looks form non-bikers, just laid out on the road beside your steel horse, then walking like John Wayne for a bit until the feeling comes back. Now that is a worthwhile bike ride 😀

The other therapy is mindfulness. I would park my bike up (as in the picture of my beautiful Italian lady above) and just sit my ass down and look at the sea, or a river, or lake and just use mindfulness to clear my mind and let the troubles drift away. After being on the road for a few hours it was brilliant to just sit and let my mind clear itself of the crap. Mindfulness allows me to clear the rubbish, and afterwards have room in my complex mind to decipher what I need to work out in this life.

In the picture below is a view from the road from behind the bubble of my Aprilia on a rare beautiful sunny day in Northern Ireland. A funny story on my last bike I blew the exhaust up here in this stretch of road, and had a deafening ride back home with my tail between my legs. This Aprilia  however never gave me any trouble, it is much loved and respected and the feeling is reciprocated.

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A view from the road in Northern Ireland, up a mountain on a one track road with just sheep and cows for company.

So that is it and I hope it gave you a smile. Life does not need to be all serious. I have my own trouble. You have your own trouble. Sometimes it can become too much. What do you do to unwind and detangle your brain to give yourself room to work out whatever needs worked out? Comment below and tell me. As I am a counsellor I may be able to pass this onto clients in counselling if it was appropriate. You could be starting a ripple of kindness for someone you will never know! That is a chance you cannot pass up. Comment with your response to a crazy world in which we live.

A request for my brothers and sisters who are bikers, leave me a link to your blogs below I would love to read and follow them. Leave me a comment with a funny story of your biking adventure. My story is when a ‘cool dude’ in a Souped-up Subaru with a pretty lady in beside him tried to race me. I played with him for a while, then just left him with a red face in my dust when he realised what I was doing, and his girl was smiling at me out his window as she had already figured it out. A car will never outrun a powerful bike. Anyone who is not a biker would be very surprised how many professional people like Doctors etc. are actually Bikers.

Last story is  when I was riding to work in winter and didn’t know it was icy in places until my visor froze white. I was nearly at work so rode on slowly. A wee man in a car with a death grip on the steering wheel nearly crashed into a wall when he noticed me riding past him with both feet down on the ice. It was only funny when I made it into work in one piece somehow and I could laugh at his face when he saw a biker going the opposite way into the icy section. My bride did not see the funny side when I went home that evening and told her…Stephen.

Why White Feathers Or The Moon?

For some it may be white feathers that turn up in strange places. For others it is a link to the moon. For me; I love the moon shining bright in the sky, it is usually a calm peaceful night when you can see the moon. This is part of the attraction for me.

If you haven’t read the most painful words I will ever write; you can read them here: An Angel Made Me a Daddy


I am writing about the loss of someone close, someone who is still a part of our lives; they are just not in this world anymore. I know some people who  treasure each white feather they see, when it turns up unexpected, and just at the right time when they needed some comfort, and a reminder of their Angel in Heaven. It is a very special, personal, spiritual experience. They think of a little baby that has sent down one of their Angel wings feathers, to remind them that they are with them in Spirit.

My connection is the moon. I know my baby is not there. My Angel baby has wings in Heaven. The moon however has such a special connection since my 1st child went to Heaven. The link is that I cannot SEE Heaven from here. I feel Heaven, have supernatural experiences, and Believe in Jesus; But it is the connection with the moon shining down that connects my thoughts to my little Baby, whom I talk to, love and miss everyday. I talk to my children here about their Angel in Heaven.
I have previously worked many nightshifts in a dangerous place; But if I passed a window and realised for the 1st time that night the moon was shining; I stopped no matter what was happening, which could have been fights by men addicted to many substances and alcohol. I collected my thoughts, and said a Prayer to Heaven with my little Baby while staring at the moon. I was never once interrupted no matter what was going on around me. A supernatural moment Heaven didn’t allow to be interrupted between a daddy and his Baby Angel.

I have had some nights where I just need to go out walking in the moonlight to clear my head. I will at some point just stop, and using mindfulness, stare at the moon, what shape it is, what colours there is, the clouds drifting slowly past making their own story. In reality, I’m not interested in the moon at this time. It is my soul connecting to Heaven, and I just need to keep a clear mind and let it connect. A very spiritual experience. I never take this for granted and it is very grounding. I am just A loving daddy kissing my Angel in Heaven. X

Sometimes I would love to know what my Baby would have become? Married? Loved to do? Loved to watch? Loved motorcycles like me? Loved reading like me? Been more like Mummy? So many questions with no answers, but then my baby went to Heaven so no pain in this world. I also do have this very special, supernatural connection which is so very precious and personal to me. I use the moon to settle my mind, but my connection is not the moon, or white feathers.

I know some of you do not believe in Heaven, which is your choice, but I do, and that is the only reason I include my spiritual views as it is intertwined in my DNA, especially with my 1st Baby. I am very interested in everyones viewpoint. I am non-judgemental by nature and by profession. I would like you to comment with your connection to someone you have lost that was and still is very much connected to you. Do you do anything at Christmas to remember them? I will have a family moment to think about our Angel at this special time. Our children here have a special connection which I love and cherish.

IllBeThere
I do not know who composed these comforting words. If you know please do notify me.

This blog was never started to be my view only; I am a private introvert. I feel my words may help someone, even 1 person, and that is the only reason I write here. If anyone has a blog they would like me to read regarding their Angel Baby I would love to read it so comment with a link to it. I will also say though if anyone comments anything rude or nasty, I will respond, as this is a very personal experience for everyone concerned. I respect everyones views. Please do post your thoughts below here.

 

 

 

New Words Bubbling Out

I am writing a lot again. I get periods when titles, or themes to write, the main bones, bubble up from my subconscious; I then know I need to write it all down, somewhere, anywhere! It could be written on Evernote which syncs with my phone, Kindle fire, Macbook etc. Or it could be on back of a business card, napkin, scrap of paper… The 1st draft is formed in my head first, then written down. This is unusual and frustrating at times but incredibly rewarding, allowing the words freedom to touch people, knowing they were locked in my head for so long.

Mindfulness is used to calm my mind and body before gently letting the words out. I will collate it together and form some blogs from it very soon. I appreciate everyone that takes time to read my blog. I find it very therapeutic getting it out of my head or heart and into a blog. Expect more this weekend.

Peace. Stephen.

You Want Me to Forgive my Evil Abuser?

You Want Me to Forgive my Evil Abuser?

I wonder if you could forgive an evil person that has knowingly hurt you, or abused you? I wonder could you forgive a family member who has ripped every shred of trust out of your mind, body and spirit? I wonder could you forgive a partner who tried to send your ashes to the devil, after he or she discarded you after abusing you mentally and physically?

Forgiveness has to be a conscious decision of my will. If someone has done me harm intentionally and shows no remorse, it is an extremely difficult decision to forgive them, but this does not mean it is ok, that it was fine what they did to me. It just means that I am choosing not to allow what they did to me to eat me up inside and hold me prisoner. I am forgiving them to set myself free; to allow myself to move on with my life. If someone is a narcissist for instance, they will not feel remorse, so waiting or trying to get some sort of apology may not happen; at least for a long time.

Nelson Mandela said this regarding leaving prison, “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”

I wasn’t always a calm person and would have tried forcing someone by whatever means I could to ‘get’ someone to apologise to me. This was never an apology as they felt they needed to apologise to me just to appease me, and get me to back off. I am now a man of peace, and no matter how hard it is to do, I try to forgive people for their harm towards me. This means I am not allowing my feelings and emotions to become twisted up, bitter, angry, resentful and ultimately become the effect of other people’s nasty or evil agendas. I am responsible for my own feelings and emotions; although this does mean I have to stop sometimes and realise I have allowed myself to be tarnished with someone else’s hatred of me and reciprocated it towards them. You may have feelings of shame, loneliness, guilt, anger or many more, all of which are not yours to hold, as they were a product of what this person did to you, not what you did to them, therefore when you work through to being able to forgive this person, these feeling can also be left with them, not carried around on your shoulders.

This is where mindfulness is very useful, as it allows me to sit, or lie down, in the peace and stillness, and listen to my own emotions and thoughts, filter them back, and take forward only what is mine, leaving other people’s nasty or evil feelings, which can only harm me more than they ever could. I refuse to allow what they did to me, to continue long after they did it, to still affect me now. I refuse to give them that power over me and my current relationships.

Forgiveness blog pic

Forgiving others is not about ‘letting them of the hook’; It is about accepting it has happened, and becoming who you can be, without them holding you back, still having control over you. If what they did was illegal for instance, and if you haven’t already, take it to the authorities if you wish. Forgiveness is not making light of anything that has happened, but allowing you to move on, however difficult it will be.

The lady in the link below states she was raped by her Father a lot growing up, she was eventually able to forgive… I can’t ever imagine the pain, physically and mentally she went through as a young person so confused in the world, by someone she could have learned trust from…

Joyce Meyer Healing and Hope after Abuse

I want you to know that trust can be formed again, healing can take place. As a man of Christian Faith, I asked God for forgiveness, and have been forgiven for a lot. I pray everyday, and I also practice Mindfulness. This is my way of living life in peace, in charge of my thoughts, feeling and emotions. I refuse to allow others to hinder my steps in life because they are so twisted up inside they want to harm and control others with their evil plans. I take time everyday to stop, listen and feel my spirit, mind and body.

I am very interested in your comments on forgiveness. How did you forgive someone who harmed you? I would like this blog to be the start of someone being able to take control of their life back from the pain that was caused to them. This blog is only here to help trigger something in other people to start healing and steps towards a more peaceful life. Please also get professional help if you need it from a counsellor etc. to help you take the 1st steps.

Take care. Stephen

www.inspiredcounsellingservices.co.uk