Kill Yourself or Other Things? 

A few thoughts just after World Suicide Prevention Day. In Northern Ireland more people have ended their life on Earth through suicide this week. 

It is vitally important if your thoughts get to the point of resignation that you seek professional help. You can live on. You can change so much else in life if it has become so hard for you to hang on living. You cannot come back to life after you have killed yourself, only Jesus accomplished coming back to life after dying. Life can be very good after overcoming this dark period of suicidal thoughts. Hang on. Get help. Believe in what you can still accomplish in life. 

I would like all precious people to consider who they put their trust in regarding suicide. I as a Christian put my trust in God, but not every Church has a trained professional to help you through depression, anxiety, ptsd, suicide… I am a man of Faith and believe in the healing of the Holy Spirit. A Pastor or Minister is an excellent person to go to for guidance and counsel for your precious Soul, and I highly recommend it, as you will be taking your Soul wherever you go after here… I just wish you to consider if you are putting your trust in a person in a Church or Chapel, as a few wrong words from someone could be the tipping point in activating your suicidal thoughts, into actions… It is similar with some other places in towns which profess to have ‘professionals’ to help you with your suicidal thoughts, they may not be trained. 

Try anywhere you wish for help, but if it is not helping, do not stay there, go somewhere else, and get help from somewhere else. Do not allow yourself to stop fighting, do not allow yourself to sink further into the darkness and lies of depression and suicide. If you do not want to see me that is perfectly fine, I just wish you to get help, with someone who can help you. I wish to see you tomorrow, next week, month, year… I wish to look into your eyes and say you made it, well done, what a fight you had. Survive. Pray. Believe. Ask God to help. Psalm 91.

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Why White Feathers Or The Moon?

For some it may be white feathers that turn up in strange places. For others it is a link to the moon. For me; I love the moon shining bright in the sky, it is usually a calm peaceful night when you can see the moon. This is part of the attraction for me.

If you haven’t read the most painful words I will ever write; you can read them here: An Angel Made Me a Daddy


I am writing about the loss of someone close, someone who is still a part of our lives; they are just not in this world anymore. I know some people who  treasure each white feather they see, when it turns up unexpected, and just at the right time when they needed some comfort, and a reminder of their Angel in Heaven. It is a very special, personal, spiritual experience. They think of a little baby that has sent down one of their Angel wings feathers, to remind them that they are with them in Spirit.

My connection is the moon. I know my baby is not there. My Angel baby has wings in Heaven. The moon however has such a special connection since my 1st child went to Heaven. The link is that I cannot SEE Heaven from here. I feel Heaven, have supernatural experiences, and Believe in Jesus; But it is the connection with the moon shining down that connects my thoughts to my little Baby, whom I talk to, love and miss everyday. I talk to my children here about their Angel in Heaven.
I have previously worked many nightshifts in a dangerous place; But if I passed a window and realised for the 1st time that night the moon was shining; I stopped no matter what was happening, which could have been fights by men addicted to many substances and alcohol. I collected my thoughts, and said a Prayer to Heaven with my little Baby while staring at the moon. I was never once interrupted no matter what was going on around me. A supernatural moment Heaven didn’t allow to be interrupted between a daddy and his Baby Angel.

I have had some nights where I just need to go out walking in the moonlight to clear my head. I will at some point just stop, and using mindfulness, stare at the moon, what shape it is, what colours there is, the clouds drifting slowly past making their own story. In reality, I’m not interested in the moon at this time. It is my soul connecting to Heaven, and I just need to keep a clear mind and let it connect. A very spiritual experience. I never take this for granted and it is very grounding. I am just A loving daddy kissing my Angel in Heaven. X

Sometimes I would love to know what my Baby would have become? Married? Loved to do? Loved to watch? Loved motorcycles like me? Loved reading like me? Been more like Mummy? So many questions with no answers, but then my baby went to Heaven so no pain in this world. I also do have this very special, supernatural connection which is so very precious and personal to me. I use the moon to settle my mind, but my connection is not the moon, or white feathers.

I know some of you do not believe in Heaven, which is your choice, but I do, and that is the only reason I include my spiritual views as it is intertwined in my DNA, especially with my 1st Baby. I am very interested in everyones viewpoint. I am non-judgemental by nature and by profession. I would like you to comment with your connection to someone you have lost that was and still is very much connected to you. Do you do anything at Christmas to remember them? I will have a family moment to think about our Angel at this special time. Our children here have a special connection which I love and cherish.

IllBeThere
I do not know who composed these comforting words. If you know please do notify me.

This blog was never started to be my view only; I am a private introvert. I feel my words may help someone, even 1 person, and that is the only reason I write here. If anyone has a blog they would like me to read regarding their Angel Baby I would love to read it so comment with a link to it. I will also say though if anyone comments anything rude or nasty, I will respond, as this is a very personal experience for everyone concerned. I respect everyones views. Please do post your thoughts below here.

 

 

 

New Words Bubbling Out

I am writing a lot again. I get periods when titles, or themes to write, the main bones, bubble up from my subconscious; I then know I need to write it all down, somewhere, anywhere! It could be written on Evernote which syncs with my phone, Kindle fire, Macbook etc. Or it could be on back of a business card, napkin, scrap of paper… The 1st draft is formed in my head first, then written down. This is unusual and frustrating at times but incredibly rewarding, allowing the words freedom to touch people, knowing they were locked in my head for so long.

Mindfulness is used to calm my mind and body before gently letting the words out. I will collate it together and form some blogs from it very soon. I appreciate everyone that takes time to read my blog. I find it very therapeutic getting it out of my head or heart and into a blog. Expect more this weekend.

Peace. Stephen.

Raising Sons To Be Gentlemen

Raising Sons To Be Gentlemen

This may sound like a little boastful, but I reckon with the massive effort I put into my children it may be okay 🙂 I am a very proud Daddy and no matter what my children become, no matter what evil they would do I will still be daddy to them even if I do not condone it. They will always have a safe place with me and an ear to listen without judgement, and a shoulder to help carry them through whatever pain this world gives them. My Bride and I will continue doing everything we can to help them become the Gentlemen we pray they will become, allowing them to help many other people who may be struggling.

I also know the intense pain of children as I have written about my little Angel in Heaven before in my post An Angel Made Me A Daddy which I hope is haunting, terrifying and sad, but beautiful as I know Heaven is home. I carry this baby everywhere in my heart everyday. I am on night shift and have already been to look up at the sky and speak with my Angel. I will meet again one day when my Soul leaves this beaten up shell called a body and goes home to Heaven.

This however is about my two Sons, Matthew 12 years old and Noah who is 2 years old. My beautiful Bride whom I cherish, and I are trying raise two little gentlemen in this crazy world. I am exceedingly blessed to have sons. All I wanted from life was a Bride and children, anything else is a bonus, and I am very fortunate to have a Bride that loves me in return, not everyone is so fortunate.

Too many children are in the middle of a battle between parents. This is not always both parents fault as one may have decided they are more important that the children, or one parent may have been abusive, physically or mentally, mum or dad. The point to remember is that a child no matter how young or small, sees and hears more than any parent knows. I have seen through counselling children how much damage is done in the first years of a child’s life. It is extremely painful to be powerless to change the circumstances in their home, but also extremely rewarding to be the one to bring peace, clarity, safety, security, non-judgement and a listening ear to their pain, and seeing their growth out of that despair.

I have screwed up many times, as has my wife, but we have apologised to each other and our children when needed. I have to say in honesty it is a lot easier to apologise to my children than my Bride, but that is all part of the battle of a good marriage, to remember we are one, a partnership not enemies even though it may feel like it in the heat of a battle that means nothing, is about nothing, and will be forgot about when we look back and wonder why we said what we did to each other 🙂

Walk a Little Slower, Daddy

Matthew is already a gentleman when he feels like it, as he is that mess of hormones between a boy and a man. We need to be understanding that in the process he will lose himself from time to time. He is very good at looking out for his friends, or those in his class that are feeling left out or don’t quite fit in somewhere yet. He hates bullies and has already took a few of them on and won! I was called to the headmaster one time, and he didn’t like it when I said I have taught my son how to box and fight when he has to defend himself or others. The headmaster also knew that my son would not have started the fight, but he did end it, and the other guy did not bully my son’s friend again!

My little 2-year-old Noah is also learning how good it can be to give something of his to someone else. If he is eating something he likes he may offer some to his brother, if he is in the mood. He has also learned this month how to say sorry, or “sowwy” as he says it. He just has to learn if I step on his toe dancing round the room to music, I say sorry and he doesn’t have too 🙂

The only time Noah is quiet at the dinner table is when we pray thanks to God for food, health, family and whatever has bubbled up. If you don’t believe in God explain that to me. We no longer have to tell him we are going to talk with God now. He just knows by the atmosphere and reverence in the room.

I also love the bond they have even though it is a ten year age gap. obviously Matthew needs time out on his own away from Noah as he is older, but they love each other and do things, talk about things, share things that my bride and I never get to do with them. It is like their secret pact, and they don’t know we stand at the door and listen too 🙂

They are my life and my world. The reason I do what I do everyday. I think about what we will do when I get home, and how they could surprise their Mama. Last thing we did was buy an immaculate second-hand armchair, for very reasonable money, for her to sit on cuddled up with Noah as we only had sofas for a while now. She loved it, but I think the joy my sons got from surprising her with it was precious learning for them in our quest to help them become gentlemen in a world which has mostly forgotten the art of being a gentleman, treating a lady with the respect a lady deserves.

In this quest I have also looked at myself and realised how I could improve myself. I have a bad temper but having sons has helped to mellow me more, be more patient, control my frustrations when they are slower to learn something. They have learned me so much. This is when it works, when it is a circle. I learn them, they learn me. I am so happy in their interest in nature and animals. This is important that they feel the calm in the world. Their place to go and relax and think. An outlet for later in life.

We do speak about our first child in Heaven to them. Noah is still too young, but Matthew talks about it with us 🙂 children are a blessing. Also an extremely tough challenge at times, but so much fulfilment. If you haven’t read about our first child, the post is called An Angel Made Me A Daddy and if you wish you can read it here

This is a video which says something about what I pray for my children. May this be multiplied. Our quest to help them become gentlemen would be multiplied when they meet their brides (in many years from now boys!) and treat them as I treat my wife, this is a massive daily task which I fail some days…and that they can learn their children to become Gentlemen and Ladies. It is not easy, we are never perfect, that is all part of the fun and challenge. Let me know your thoughts please. Comment with your knowledge and experience, or if you think this is rubbish 🙂 or if you just want my opinion on something…

Stephen.

An Angel Made Me A Daddy

An Angel Made Me A Daddy

I never wanted to write this. I don’t know why anyone has to think this. I don’t know why some mummies have to go through so much pain and loss through grieving for their Angels. I don’t know why it takes some mummies so long, maybe years to recover enough to just get through most days with any normality. I don’t have any answers. No-one, not even a specialist counsellor helping people through their journey, not even a granny helping their daughter through grieving for child and grandchild know what the pain, the loss, the confusion, the insanity, the emptiness feels like. Not even the husband or partner… the daddy… knows what it is like for the mother, no matter how close a bond they have, or sadly for some… had. It is only the Mummy of an Angel knows the searing pain and loss of a miscarriage, a still birth, a procedure gone wrong, very very wrong!

This is a small snippet of my thoughts as a daddy, husband over the years since our Angel went to Heaven through what is called ‘miscarriage’ which is a haunting, horrible word. A daddy never gets much support. People came to me and asked: “how is your Wife doing? It must be hard for her? how is she coping?”.  A lot of times I just had to walk away from them giving no answer as I was hurting so bad, more than that, I was broken. I was a daddy with no precious baby to hold. Ask me how I am, be a shoulder for me to hold onto and try to function enough to care for the mother of my Angel Baby! and allow me somewhere to be broken and cry warm salty tears of terror at what had happened to my Bride, physically, psychologically and spiritually.

This is my account of what I still remember. My wife sensing something is wrong. Going for a scan with doctors, Not finding a heartbeat. The excruciatingly painful wait for another Doctor coming, even though it probably wasn’t long. Realisation for me, quiet prayer with God for help as I know I need to be strong, somehow, for my beautiful, broken, Bride. The doctor seemingly telling us something, as his mouth is moving and looking at us, but I don’t hear anything on earth. My soul is crying out for Heaven to be with us in our most painful moment. The absolute and pitiful realisation I cannot do anything for my Bride. I cannot flex my muscles and shout for someone to do something. I cannot say anything that will help her. I don’t know how I can leave this room…

My bride of 14 years will be reading this before it goes on-line, as we have learned to walk alongside our pain, but it is still there. We have had some very harrowing times since, but nothing, will ever come close to that moment of sheer usefulness for me. My Bride and I both had dreams, about our baby in Heaven, gender, looks, hair, and what they now look like, but never spoke them to each other for years. Even though we know our child went straight to Heaven and didn’t suffer the sheer evil in this world, we are Spiritual beings in a physical journey on earth, with all the emotions that brings. Even trying to write this now, it has taken so long, as I have stopped to Praise God for the opportunity to be with our Baby for so long  in the womb, and also to mourn what might have been… Even in our moments, which God has allowed us to see through a glimpse in Heaven, we both knew the name of our child, separately; what a time of celebration when that one night, which was God’s timing, when our dreams and visions came together and we shared our experiences… tears of happiness and sorrow at same time. Respectfully, only we know these details as it is personal for my bride and I. The Holy Spirit inside of us as born again Christians is our comforter. I spend many nights looking at the moon and stars on my own, or with my Bride just thinking what if… but thankful that Heaven is home. I did not intend so write so much about God in this, and I am sorry if you do not believe. Sorry because he is a great Comforter and Healer. I found that Jesus was with me every step of our journey. Even some nights when I needed to walk the lonely country roads in the dark myself, shouting, crying or just wondering why, he was with me. It is impossible to write about my journey without God.

I did not want to write this, it is not easy for a man to admit these things, but my Faith in God is to follow where he leads me, and I’m afraid it has taken me years to write it. This is to encourage men, daddies, husbands, partners, granddads, brothers and sons to step up and be heard. We have the pain also. We may be men who think very differently to woman, but I can tell you from experience that woman appreciate our faltering attempts to walk alongside ladies in their harrowing, terrifying journey through the pain of not having that so much wanted and craved for child in their arms. Real men do cry. I am a tough man on the outside but soft as cotton wool on the inside. To have a soft heart in this cruel world is not weak it is courageous. Sometimes all I could do was hold my Bride in my arms, the silence said more than my words ever could. There is no script. There is no right thing to say. The right thing is to try. The right thing is to treat the daddy with respect and ask him how he is. Allow him somewhere safe to cry without thinking about upsetting anyone else.

tears travel

As a counsellor I am privileged to help many people through their very tough times. I use what I learned about pain to push me forward. I can read people very easily, and can feel when they are going through painful times. It is a privilege which I do not take for granted. I will hopefully be setting something up soon for men who have not dealt with the pain this world throws up, including maybe a child no longer on this earth.  A ripple of kindness can go a long way, if I can help a few men look at their pain head on, and help them through to the other-side, maybe they can then help more men, therefore the ripple has become a small wave. Mummies need all of their partners help to get through their painful times. If that husband, partner has not had anyone to help them through, they cannot help their lady with all of their ability. Please find a counsellor you can trust who will help you to look inward, a very difficult but very worthwhile process. My heart breaks for men who cannot find the safe place to look inside at all the crap that builds up inside in this world. Humans can be so disgusting and evil in this world and treat others like trash. We are not all like that. Ask God to show you someone who can help and trust he will, even if you don’t know whether to believe in Him or not. Ask and wait. Try. He is the best thing you will have in life.

My Bride and I are very fortunate to now have a 12-year-old son and a 2-year-old son. Both very difficult journeys to have them. That is another story though. Maybe I will write that here someday. My bride and I are in this together for life, for better or worse. We have had some very harrowing times since, and are stronger together because of our first child who went straight to heaven. My Child is with me everyday making me a better husband and a better Daddy.

I am not that smart or educated, and I will never pretend this is excellent English or grammar. but I just have a burning inside to help people through pain. I also wrote some words a few years ago through tears one night when I couldn’t sleep, for my first child who made me and my wife a mummy and daddy. It is immensely personal, and I thought no-one would ever read it but our family. It was never quite finished, until today when the few missing words were given to me in prayer and meditation. I take this as a sign to share it here. Also below it there is a song which has helped me and many others in our pain.

From-a-Daddy-that-adores